UF Professor: Father’s Day Finds Many Stepdads Involved In Kids’ Lives

June 10, 2003

GAINESVILLE, Fla. — Often considered unwanted and disengaged from parenting, many stepfathers on this Father’s Day are instead likely to be dads who are emotionally involved with their stepchildren, says a University of Florida researcher.

Some stepdads are so devoted that they are willing to sacrifice themselves and become behind-the-scenes allies of biological fathers in the guidance, development and growth of the children, said William Marsiglio, a UF sociologist and author of the forthcoming book “Stepdads: Stories of Love, Hope and Repair” to be published by December by Rowman & Littlefield.

“In-laws, day-care workers and even children themselves sometimes act as if stepfathers are watered down versions of the biological fathers – a kind of ‘fatherhood lite’ and not the real thing,” Marsiglio said. “But in my sample, I found that most stepfathers have a positive experience, and some feel no differently about their stepchildren than they do their own.”

Demographers estimate that one of three children will have lived with a stepparent by the time they turn 18, the vast majority with stepfathers, Marsiglio said. The numbers are growing because of high divorce rates and an increase in women living with partners who are not their children’s fathers, he said. The number of children under 18 living with one parent has skyrocketed, from 8 million in 1968 to 19 million in 2000, according to U.S. Census Bureau statistics.

Marsiglio’s book “is the best examination yet of the inner worlds of stepfathers,” said Andrew Cherlin, chairman of the sociology department at Johns Hopkins University. “It provides a good sense of the great diversity among stepfamilies and of the challenges that many stepfathers successfully surmount in creating a place for themselves in their new families.”

Stepfathers often are stereotyped in popular culture as indifferent or abusive, as illustrated by the ruthless stepfather portrayed in the 2002 John Travolta movie “Domestic Disturbance” or in news accounts of former President Bill Clinton’s alcoholic stepfather, Marsiglio said.

The reality is many stepdads are loving, conscientious and involved parental figures. Some even become the father’s informal ally, discouraging mothers from badmouthing fathers in front of the children or trying to help kids understand in a nonjudgmental way when fathers must break previously arranged commitments to see them, he said.

One stepfather in Marsiglio’s research suggested his 4-year-old stepdaughter’s bedroom phone be programmed with a memory button to her father’s telephone number so she could call him anytime.

Most stepfathers in Marsiglio’s study fondly describe the experience, with some saying they have grown as individuals because of it. Although many stepdads painted a rather rosy portrait of their lives, Marsiglio cautions that some expressed a lot of frustration, a feeling that is fairly common among the larger population of men helping to raise other men’s children.

He interviewed 36 stepfathers in North Central Florida, 13 of their partners and two of their children in 2000 for the book, which grew out of his long-standing interest in studying the diversity of fathering experiences.

“Some of these men said they did not just have an affinity for their stepchildren, but really loved and claimed them as their own,” he said. “They were willing to protect them, to stand up for their interests, and they let it be known that they would do anything possible for them – a sentiment birth mothers often confirmed.”

It was stepfathers – and not mothers – who sometimes took the initiative in addressing children’s academic problems and intervening on their behalf, Marsiglio said. One man home-schooled his stepson and stepdaughter for a year, he said.

Some stepfathers reported being extremely mindful of their stepchildren, spending a great deal of the time apart from them thinking about their likes and dislikes, moods, favorite toys and the times they’d shared together, Marsiglio said. “One man thought hourly about what his stepson might be doing or feeling at that particular moment,” he said.

“Generally, stepfathers are likely to have a better chance of having children develop an emotional attachment to them if the children are infants or toddlers when they first get involved, especially if the biological father has little or no influence,” he said. “Older kids are more likely to require their stepfathers to earn their stripes.”

Research tends to show one of the biggest issues confronting stepfathers is discipline because their legitimacy as authority figures easily can be challenged, Marsiglio said. Rather than disciplining children from the outset, most stepfathers gradually slide into the role, he said.

Mothers play an important role in letting stepfathers get close, but bonding also is easier when stepfathers notice similarities between themselves and their stepchildren, Marsiglio said. This often is a mutual love of sports, particularly with boys, but in one case a stepfather appreciated his stepson’s rich imagination and love for daydreaming, qualities he shared.

Stepfathers were identified in various ways, but in families where stepchildren called them “dad” or “daddy,” the men vividly recalled the time the term was first used, Marsiglio said. “They could remember very clearly where they were and how it felt, and over time it reinforced their feelings of love for the child,” he said. Other families used a hybrid of “dad” and the stepfather’s first name or created a cute name like “steppy-dad” that became part of the family culture, he said.